I sometimes wonder how valuable premarriage counseling is. That’s probably not how the editors want this article to start. But let me explain. When couples are months or weeks away from their wedding day, they likely feel head over heels in love. They are, as Gary Chapman would say, in “the tingles” stage of their relationship. They have bubbly, euphoric feelings for each other, and they can’t imagine a time or a circumstance where those feelings would be diminished. They can’t fathom a time when feelings of love would compete with or be replaced by feelings of disappointment, frustration, hurt, anger, or even resentment. “We’re in love. We got this.” That can lead to a “We don’t really need this” mentality.

So then I wonder if couples attend premarriage counseling because they are eager to learn more about marriage, or are they dutifully checking tasks off their to-do list? Hire a caterer: check! Secure a photographer: check! Attend our pastor’s premarriage class: check!

So sometimes I wonder. And then, I come to my senses and realize that a pastor spending quality time with couples to talk about marriage and to dig into God’s Word will always be valuable, especially in a world where marriage is so misunderstood and misrepresented.

Conclusion: It’s Worth It!

Pastors may have different approaches. If in a small parish, you may be able to meet with each couple several times. Big church pastors may offer a onetime seminar, inviting multiple couples. Pick your model and then prepare. Please do prepare. If something is worth doing, then it certainly is worth doing well. Maybe here I could ask this question: Do pastors prepare and present premarriage sessions because they are eager to teach more about marriage, or are they dutifully checking a task off their to-do list? If I’m on autopilot, using the same canned materials I’ve used for a decade, maybe it’s time I rethink my approach and recraft my lessons. Suggestion: Make premarriage counseling a topic at a future circuit meeting. Share materials and approaches with your brothers; you and the couples you marry will be better for it.

How I Begin Each Session

Because of the size of my church and the number of weddings held each year, I’m a premarriage seminar guy. I’ll usually take three to six couples through at one time. At the very beginning of the session, I ask each participant to independently supply written responses for the following:

1. Why are you getting married?
2. Write a definition of marriage.
3. Write a definition of love.

Predictably, they almost always answer the first this way: We’re in love and we want to spend the rest of our lives together. The second takes them a bit longer, but they eventually are able to piece together something that resembles a partial catechism answer: man and woman being joined together for life. But the third is often met with blank stares and blank paper. Occasionally, someone will write lengthy sentences about feelings and soulmates. So here’s my open door to launch into a discussion about a love that runs deeper than the tingles, a love that doesn’t come to us naturally, a love that only Jesus can give. And since they struggled to articulate what love is, they can readily admit that while they feel head over heels in love, there probably is still something they could learn.

But what do I want to teach them? There’s a temptation to try to cram as much marriage advice as possible into a three-hour seminar. Tell them everything you know about marriage, O wise one! Instead, consider hitting a handful of key points, giving them time to read God’s Word and to engage in discussion. How you craft your lesson will give quality time for both.

By the time the seminar is over, I’m hopeful the participants will be leaving with a better understanding of and appreciation for the following:

• You belong to Jesus. I want each future husband to marvel at the love Jesus has for him, to be reminded that Jesus doesn’t condemn him but forgives him, and to find his identity in Christ. And then I want that same baptized and newly created husband to see the very same beautiful and biblical truths about his future wife.
• Love is a commitment. The feelings and emotions they have right now are wonderful. One day, the tingles may fade and the delight with which they used to serve and make sacrifices for their spouse may slowly start to feel more like chores or undesirable tasks. They may not be able to understand it now, but I want them to grapple with the reality that their head over heels in love stage will eventually need to transition into a much more intentional stage—a commitment to love each other as Christ loves us.
• What love looks like. While you may not want your premarriage sessions to consist entirely of how-to-be-a-better-spouse tips, there is plenty of room to share practical pieces of advice. The importance of positive communication, the pitfalls of poor financial planning, the changes children can bring, the concept of love languages, and any number of assessment tools that can find strengths and personality traits—all of these can elicit valuable discussions.
• This is the most important human relationship you’ll ever have. Continuing education and advanced training are norms in the workplace when we are seeking to be successful in our vocational pursuits. A healthy marriage requires regular maintenance too. Pick out a marriage book and read it together. Sign up for a marriage enrichment seminar when it’s offered. Subscribe to the Marriage Moments devotional videos. I want couples to normalize marriage maintenance and growth.
• Ultimately, everything you need, Jesus provides. Here’s the most important maintenance plan: Drink in the gospel. Worship together. Pray together. Read devotionals together. See Jesus together. Cling to Jesus together. In him is forgiveness, strength, and power.

Keeping Jesus at the center of a marriage is not in any of the mainstream marriage planning guides. Brothers, that’s where you come in. Help these head over heels in love couples see Jesus, who is slow to anger and abounding in love, who is faithful and forgiving, who is merciful and kind to them and for them.

This article in Devote Yourself was contributed by the team that previously created and distributed the e-newsletter, Teach the Word. For nearly ten years’ worth of archived teaching-related articles, tips, and advice, visit nph.net/teach-the-word.